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[dark music playing]

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[Neal] So if you're watching this
'cause you saw my other Netflix specials

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00:00:11,594 --> 00:00:14,222
and I talked about having depression

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and you wanted to support
a fellow traveler,

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I have some terrible news.

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- I feel pretty great.
- [audience cheering]

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It's hard to know
how to start these specials,

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so I've been trying to incorporate AI.

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[audience laughing]

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So... So every day, I go on that ChatGPT

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and I type in,
"opening line for a comedy show."

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Anyhow, tonight's opening line is...

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"Good evening, pussies."

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[audience laughing]

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Isn't that weird?

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That's a trillion dollars
in deep learning.

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It's every book ever published,
every speech. That's what they gave me.

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I was like, "Are you sure?"
"Say it, pussy." I was like, "Okay."

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[audience laughing]

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So what kind of people are you?
Are you crypto people?

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Yeah, I'm sitting crypto out,
and maybe I'm blowing it.

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People go, "Where are you putting
your money?" The bank. Shut up.

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[audience laughing]

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I've just... I've never rooted against
a currency before, you know what I mean?

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I've never been like, "Fuck pesos!"
I don't...

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[audience laughing]

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My issue with crypto
is everyone who told me about crypto

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had never spoken
about finances before, ever.

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It's like,
"Weren't you a DJ three weeks ago?"

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"Why are you telling me?"

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I was talking to my buddy. He's like,
"Bro, you'll make sick returns."

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I was like, "Never speak to me
this way about money."

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Social media makes everybody think
they have to be cool.

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Certain people, I don't want cool.

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I don't want a cool finance guy,

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I don't want a cool lawyer,
I don't want a cool doctor.

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I don't want my doctor to be like,
"Bro, I saw your X-rays."

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"They were so sketch."

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- Like, I don't want...
- [audience laughing]

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I have important things in my life.
You know who I want in charge of 'em?

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Dorks. Here's who I want in charge
of my important things.

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Oily skin, bad clothing, no eye contact.

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Just a touch of Asperger's. Just a touch.

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[audience laughing]

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Salt Bae, but it's Asperger's.

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[audience laughing]

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But I get why... why guys fell for crypto.

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And let's be clear, it was all guys.

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[audience laughing]

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Women don't take financial risks,
women take emotional risks.

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Women will be like, "No, I didn't invest
in Bitcoin, but I am dating a drummer."

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[audience laughing]

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"He's basically separated."

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[audience laughing]

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[scoffs]

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Yeah, the guys fell for crypto
on social media,

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'cause there are these dudes
on the guys' algorithm,

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uh, that are like hustle-preneurs.

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They're all about grinding and hustling,
and they're, like, personal trainers.

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I call 'em "the clappers" 'cause
they start all their posts like this.

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{\an8}[claps]

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{\an8}- 'Sup, guys?
- [audience laughing]

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Hey, if you're under 30,
I just have to let you know,

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no one's ever clapped
and said anything great

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in the history of the Earth.

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JFK wasn't like...

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{\an8}"Ask not what your country
can do for you."

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{\an8}Martin Luther King wasn't like...
"I had a dream, my guy."

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{\an8}[audience laughing]

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{\an8}- "Please like and subscribe."
- [audience laughing]

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{\an8}"To hear more about my dreams,
support my Patreon."

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I was following
one of these clapper dudes, right?

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I was hate-following.
It doesn't make a difference, but, uh...

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They all think they're like werewolves.

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They're like,
"I guess I'm just built different."

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- Um...
- [audience laughing]

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They always have, like,
this special system

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that doesn't even make sense,

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{\an8}where they'll be like,
"See, I got a millionaire mindset."

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{\an8}"I'll let you in on something I'm doing.
I just bought five used cars."

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{\an8}"I'm gassing them up myself,
leasing them out to Uber drivers..."

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{\an8}"I can't lose money on this."

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Then of course gas prices skyrocket.

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Next time I see the guy,
he's making a video from the gas station,

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{\an8}"This system sucks."

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Yeah, dumbass,
'cause ExxonMobil been on that...

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millionaire mindset...

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[audience laughing]

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...since 1881.

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So that's... that's guys' social media.

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And then women's social media,
it's just a lot of beautiful underdogs...

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[audience laughing]

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[scoffs]

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...that's a part of something very dramatic.

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The entire world's against them.

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{\an8}They'll be like,
"When I began my journey..."

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They're all on journeys.
All of them are on journeys.

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{\an8}They're like, "When I began my journey,

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{\an8}no one believed in me."

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That's what these girls don't understand.
It's not that no one believes in you.

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No one gives a shit about anything
anyone is doing but themselves.

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No one's thinking about you,
no one's going to bed at night like,

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"You know who'll never open a business?
That bitch Jessica. Goodnight."

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- [snores]
- [audience laughing]

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Yeah.

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I'm on social media a lot, unfortunately.

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And I was dating a model.

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I was fo... I was following a model.
And, uh...

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[audience laughing]

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Models love trying
to normalize themselves.

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{\an8}They're like, "I know what it's like
to be a regular person,

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{\an8}'cause I went through an awkward phase
in grade school."

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So condescending. "I know what it's like
to be a regular person."

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"I went through an awkward phase..."

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That'd be like me going up to an amputee
and being like,

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"I know what you're going through, pal,
'cause my foot falls asleep sometimes."

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[audience laughing]

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"So I get it.
Same-same, same-same, same-same."

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Yeah, it's all very pseudo-spiritual.

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A lot of talking about the ancestors.

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{\an8}"We need to pray to the ancestors."

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{\an8}"We need to ask the ancestors
for guidance."

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If you're Black, or Brown, or Indigenous,
go ahead and pray to your ancestors.

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White people, do not pray
to your ancestors

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under any circumstances.

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[audience laughing]

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All of my ancestors were toothless,
Irish, illiterate alcoholic maniacs

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from a very different time

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who I cannot rely on
for any guidance whatsoever.

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I could say, "I'm having a hard time
with my girlfriend. What do I do?"

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Just be like, "Lock her in the shed!"

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[audience laughing]

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"Push her off a cliff
and blame it on the wind."

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[audience laughing]

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"It works every time."

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"Boy-o."

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Yeah, they love talking
about the ancestors

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on the girls' algorithm.

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And you know what word they love using?

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- The T-word.
- [woman] Ugh.

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You know... Oh, she gets it.

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[audience laughing]

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You know what T-word I'm talking about.

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Trauma...

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[audience laughing]

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Aaah...

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I know you may be thinking,
"Neal, it's hypocritical of you

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to criticize women
talking about trauma in public."

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Yeah, good point.

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But when I talk about trauma,
it's different.

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It's on Netflix, goddamn it.

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[audience laughing]

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Yeah, but again, some of these girls
are full of shit. You know they are.

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This can't all be trauma.
Everything's trauma to them.

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They'll be like, "I had so much trauma
today at Starbucks."

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"I was literally shaking."

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Well, you're addicted to Adderall,
so that checks out.

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[audience laughing]

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Also, ladies, if you can talk about it
on social media,

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probably not trauma!
Just letting you know.

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Trauma's a physical thing. Physical thing.

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Not a vibe, a physical thing
that happened to you

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that's so jarring to your body and spirit
that you don't know how to process it,

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let alone post about it on social media
with captions and music.

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[audience laughing]

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Like, a good example of trauma
would be, uh...

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World War II.

168
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[audience laughing]

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Our great-grandfathers fought
in World War II, never mentioned it once.

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They didn't come back and be like,
"So I was just in Germany."

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[audience laughing]

172
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"It was not okay."

173
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[audience laughing]

174
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"I stormed the beaches at Normandy,
I literally died."

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[audience laughing]

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"You guys, turns out, one of my triggers?"

177
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"Triggers."

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[audience laughing]

179
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"Also, can I just say,
kind of a controversial opinion,

180
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but Hitler? Toxic."

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[audience laughing]

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It's surprising, 'cause I did not see
the trauma flexing coming.

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What's even more surprising to me

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is that the culture of social media spread
to people that aren't even on it.

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I was talking to my buddy,
he said, "You need to focus on gratitude."

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I was like, "Goodbye."

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[audience laughing]

188
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Another buddy was like,
"You need to check your entitlement."

189
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I was like, "I'm gonna call you
right back." You're blocked forever.

190
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I'm not talking like this.
I'm not doing this with my friends.

191
00:09:04,293 --> 00:09:05,795
He goes, "That's what friends are for."

192
00:09:05,878 --> 00:09:07,880
I was like,
"No, that's what grandparents are for."

193
00:09:07,964 --> 00:09:11,759
I was talking to somebody today,
and she's like, "I think my kids are dumb,

194
00:09:11,842 --> 00:09:13,553
'cause my husband's dumb."

195
00:09:14,220 --> 00:09:16,722
I was like, "Now, this is a friendship
right here."

196
00:09:16,806 --> 00:09:17,848
[audience laughing]

197
00:09:17,932 --> 00:09:20,726
You're not really friends with somebody
unless you're both worried

198
00:09:20,810 --> 00:09:23,896
that if your text messages went public,
you'd both lose your jobs.

199
00:09:23,980 --> 00:09:27,024
That is a friendship, and you cherish it

200
00:09:27,108 --> 00:09:28,484
and you nurture it,

201
00:09:28,568 --> 00:09:30,695
and you should encrypt it, probably.

202
00:09:30,778 --> 00:09:32,780
[audience laughing]

203
00:09:35,116 --> 00:09:38,411
By the way, don't get me wrong.
I'm not one of those people who's like,

204
00:09:38,494 --> 00:09:40,621
"This country's going to hell
in a handbasket."

205
00:09:40,705 --> 00:09:41,747
"Things used to be better."

206
00:09:41,831 --> 00:09:45,084
No, a lot of stuff is better now
than it was before.

207
00:09:45,167 --> 00:09:47,044
My brothers and sisters,
I'm the youngest of ten,

208
00:09:47,128 --> 00:09:49,297
they would always bring up TV ratings

209
00:09:49,380 --> 00:09:52,300
as like a barometer of how well
the country was doing.

210
00:09:52,383 --> 00:09:56,053
They'd be like, "You know,
50 million people used to watch <i>Cheers</i>

211
00:09:56,137 --> 00:09:58,097
or <i>M*A*S*H</i> or <i>All in the Family."</i>

212
00:09:58,180 --> 00:10:00,391
Yet the reason 50 million people
watched <i>All in the Family</i>

213
00:10:00,474 --> 00:10:02,101
is 'cause there was nothing else to do.

214
00:10:02,184 --> 00:10:05,229
You'd either watch <i>All In the Family</i>
or go stand in the yard.

215
00:10:05,313 --> 00:10:07,481
- There was nothing you could do.
- [audience laughing]

216
00:10:07,565 --> 00:10:09,984
Also, TV used... Are you out of your mind?

217
00:10:10,067 --> 00:10:13,446
TV's never been better.
It never will be better.

218
00:10:13,529 --> 00:10:15,573
Like, you know it's good TV

219
00:10:15,656 --> 00:10:17,825
because we binge-watch.

220
00:10:17,908 --> 00:10:20,328
That's like a junkie word,
you know what I mean?

221
00:10:20,411 --> 00:10:24,248
I didn't even realize I was a binger
till fairly recently.

222
00:10:24,332 --> 00:10:26,167
Like, I was watching <i>Stranger Things</i>

223
00:10:26,250 --> 00:10:28,919
and I'd watch, like,
a bunch of episodes in a row,

224
00:10:29,003 --> 00:10:32,632
and then after the third one, like,
that little pop-up window came on.

225
00:10:32,715 --> 00:10:34,759
Like "New episode in five, four, three..."

226
00:10:34,842 --> 00:10:37,094
And I was like, "Let's go!
I don't have that kind of time."

227
00:10:37,178 --> 00:10:39,555
- "Let's go, motherfucker!"
- [audience laughing]

228
00:10:39,639 --> 00:10:43,142
Skip intro! I don't fucking need a recap.
I just watched three episodes!

229
00:10:43,225 --> 00:10:44,769
Dude, you know who the fuck I am!

230
00:10:44,852 --> 00:10:47,021
[audience laughing]

231
00:10:47,521 --> 00:10:49,190
Things are better.

232
00:10:49,273 --> 00:10:51,776
We can solve murders now.

233
00:10:52,443 --> 00:10:55,738
They used to not be able to...
All they had was just the fingerprint dust

234
00:10:55,821 --> 00:10:57,198
and they were stumped.

235
00:10:58,074 --> 00:11:00,034
All you had to do was wear gloves

236
00:11:00,117 --> 00:11:03,287
and you could murder three or four nights
a week, if you wanted to.

237
00:11:04,372 --> 00:11:06,332
Here's how easy it was to murder.

238
00:11:06,415 --> 00:11:09,710
Murderers used to write letters
to the newspaper

239
00:11:10,378 --> 00:11:11,379
for fun!

240
00:11:11,462 --> 00:11:12,421
[audience laughing]

241
00:11:12,505 --> 00:11:15,007
Like, "Dear Paper, it's me, the murderer."

242
00:11:15,508 --> 00:11:18,344
"Things are getting a little boring,
so here's a clue."

243
00:11:19,136 --> 00:11:23,557
"What has four legs and loves dinner?
A table. See you at the next murder."

244
00:11:23,641 --> 00:11:25,559
[audience laughing]

245
00:11:25,643 --> 00:11:28,187
And they'd still get away with it!

246
00:11:28,270 --> 00:11:30,564
The Zodiac wrote a dozen letters
to the paper,

247
00:11:30,648 --> 00:11:33,859
and they were just like,
"This guy is some kind of mastermind."

248
00:11:34,652 --> 00:11:38,030
"He must have worn mittens or something.
I don't know how he's doing this."

249
00:11:41,200 --> 00:11:42,618
Things are better now.

250
00:11:43,536 --> 00:11:45,621
People over 40, back me up on this.

251
00:11:45,705 --> 00:11:49,750
Back me up on how sloppy
and disorganized the world used to be.

252
00:11:50,334 --> 00:11:52,753
Remember when sunblock began?

253
00:11:53,254 --> 00:11:55,548
[audience laughing]

254
00:11:55,631 --> 00:11:57,967
Young people, there was no sunblock.

255
00:11:58,467 --> 00:12:00,720
There was suntan oil,

256
00:12:00,803 --> 00:12:04,724
and then the next week, they were like,
"Hey, that was lube for cancer."

257
00:12:04,807 --> 00:12:06,851
[audience laughing]

258
00:12:07,351 --> 00:12:08,894
"Block your whole thing."

259
00:12:09,937 --> 00:12:13,190
White people were getting scorched,
is my point. We were getting scorched.

260
00:12:13,274 --> 00:12:16,277
As a white person, you'd go outside.
It was time to come back in

261
00:12:16,360 --> 00:12:18,821
when you were like,
"Do you smell meat?" It was you.

262
00:12:18,904 --> 00:12:20,114
[audience laughing]

263
00:12:20,197 --> 00:12:22,908
And you know who doesn't care?
My Black friends.

264
00:12:24,118 --> 00:12:25,536
I try to tell my Black friends.

265
00:12:25,619 --> 00:12:29,457
I'm like, "Dude,
I've gotten second-degree, bubbly burns."

266
00:12:29,540 --> 00:12:32,793
White people get skin cancer
30 times more than Black people.

267
00:12:32,877 --> 00:12:35,546
My Black friends are like,
"Neal, I'm having a hard time

268
00:12:35,629 --> 00:12:37,298
finding my passion for this."

269
00:12:37,381 --> 00:12:39,091
[audience laughing]

270
00:12:39,175 --> 00:12:43,179
You know what I'm starting to realize?
This is going to sound crazy.

271
00:12:43,262 --> 00:12:47,516
But if you think about it,
the sun is basically the cops

272
00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:48,684
for white people.

273
00:12:48,768 --> 00:12:50,394
[audience laughing]

274
00:12:50,478 --> 00:12:53,898
Think about it.
Following us around everywhere we go,

275
00:12:53,981 --> 00:12:56,734
fucking with us
'cause of the color of our skin,

276
00:12:57,526 --> 00:12:59,570
killing our cousins for no reason.

277
00:13:00,446 --> 00:13:02,114
And when I tell my Black friends

278
00:13:02,198 --> 00:13:04,825
the sun killed my cousin,
they're like, "What was he wearing?"

279
00:13:04,909 --> 00:13:05,868
I'm like, "Goddamn!"

280
00:13:05,951 --> 00:13:07,953
[applause and laughter]

281
00:13:10,706 --> 00:13:11,874
[Neal] Things are better.

282
00:13:11,957 --> 00:13:14,710
Depression and anxiety are worse,
I'll say that.

283
00:13:15,294 --> 00:13:17,671
And, uh, people blame social media,
or at least try to.

284
00:13:17,755 --> 00:13:20,257
I don't blame social media
for anxiety and depression.

285
00:13:20,341 --> 00:13:22,760
You know what I blame? Documentaries.

286
00:13:22,843 --> 00:13:24,220
[audience laughing]

287
00:13:24,303 --> 00:13:26,222
Yeah, there's too...
We used to not know anything.

288
00:13:26,305 --> 00:13:29,058
It was great. Once documentaries came out,

289
00:13:29,141 --> 00:13:31,227
we started knowing shit,
our lives got worse.

290
00:13:31,310 --> 00:13:33,187
Before documentaries, we'd say shit like,

291
00:13:33,270 --> 00:13:36,065
"Yeah, the whale wants
to be at SeaWorld. Yeah!"

292
00:13:36,148 --> 00:13:38,150
[audience laughing]

293
00:13:40,653 --> 00:13:43,447
The five scariest words
in the English language are,

294
00:13:43,531 --> 00:13:45,366
"Did you see that documentary?"

295
00:13:45,449 --> 00:13:46,951
[audience laughing]

296
00:13:47,034 --> 00:13:49,829
Whatever you're doing
is about to be ruined.

297
00:13:50,454 --> 00:13:51,872
I was eating with chopsticks.

298
00:13:51,956 --> 00:13:54,166
My buddy's like,
"Did you see the chopsticks documentary?"

299
00:13:54,250 --> 00:13:56,836
I'm like, "Why? Are they bad
for the environment?"

300
00:13:56,919 --> 00:14:00,506
"Worse than we thought,
pandas are using them to stab each other."

301
00:14:00,589 --> 00:14:02,007
I'm like, "Goddamn it."

302
00:14:04,426 --> 00:14:06,011
Gotta be careful which ones you watch.

303
00:14:06,095 --> 00:14:08,973
I'm vegan 'cause I watched
the wrong goddamn documentary.

304
00:14:10,182 --> 00:14:12,685
A buddy of mine sent me a trailer,
like, "You gotta watch this."

305
00:14:12,768 --> 00:14:14,311
I go, "What's it about?" He goes,

306
00:14:14,395 --> 00:14:17,565
"It's a documentary
about how all toothpaste is toxic."

307
00:14:18,274 --> 00:14:21,402
- Like, "Fuck that. I'm not watching that."
- [audience laughing]

308
00:14:21,485 --> 00:14:24,697
I just spent $180 at Costco
to get enough toothpaste

309
00:14:24,780 --> 00:14:28,951
to last five generations of my family.
I'm not throwing it away

310
00:14:29,034 --> 00:14:32,788
'cause some dickhead's like,
"My toothpaste journey will shock you."

311
00:14:32,872 --> 00:14:34,832
[audience laughing]

312
00:14:35,332 --> 00:14:38,210
I was watching a documentary recently
about advertising.

313
00:14:38,294 --> 00:14:42,882
Do you know that they can't advertise
religion in a lot of countries?

314
00:14:42,965 --> 00:14:45,926
I don't know, we're saturated in them.
I don't think they work.

315
00:14:46,010 --> 00:14:49,638
I've never been like,
"Latter-day Saints, tell me more." Like...

316
00:14:50,514 --> 00:14:51,807
I don't think they <i>couldn't</i> work.

317
00:14:51,891 --> 00:14:54,018
I just think they don't work
as currently constructed.

318
00:14:54,101 --> 00:14:57,771
All right, here's how I think they should
make religious commercials that'd work.

319
00:14:57,855 --> 00:15:01,901
You know those... those, uh,
political campaign attack ads, right?

320
00:15:01,984 --> 00:15:04,528
During election season,
there'll be those commercials,

321
00:15:04,612 --> 00:15:07,531
it's like black-and-white footage
and an ominous voice-over.

322
00:15:07,615 --> 00:15:10,367
Like, "Steve Jones is
a total piece of shit."

323
00:15:10,451 --> 00:15:12,453
[audience laughing]

324
00:15:12,953 --> 00:15:16,874
But for LA,
last election for mayor, it got insane.

325
00:15:16,957 --> 00:15:20,628
They were like, "Rick Caruso wants
to make homeless people sex workers."

326
00:15:20,711 --> 00:15:21,545
"What?!"

327
00:15:21,629 --> 00:15:22,796
[audience laughing]

328
00:15:22,880 --> 00:15:24,298
"I'm listening, go on."

329
00:15:24,381 --> 00:15:26,258
[audience laughing]

330
00:15:26,842 --> 00:15:29,762
Here's what I think they should do.
I think that's what religions should do.

331
00:15:29,845 --> 00:15:33,057
Make attack ads on each other
for like a month,

332
00:15:33,140 --> 00:15:34,266
and then we vote.

333
00:15:34,350 --> 00:15:35,434
[audience laughing]

334
00:15:35,517 --> 00:15:38,938
And again, this is...
We're not in the best, you know, climate

335
00:15:39,021 --> 00:15:40,356
for religious stuff,

336
00:15:40,439 --> 00:15:43,025
but I think we can...
we can get through this joke.

337
00:15:43,108 --> 00:15:45,945
[audience laughing]

338
00:15:46,028 --> 00:15:47,279
You know what I mean?

339
00:15:48,572 --> 00:15:51,867
Week one, Jewish people make
an attack ad on Christians.

340
00:15:51,951 --> 00:15:53,285
Wait for it.

341
00:15:53,869 --> 00:15:56,163
[in upbeat voice]
Christianity only has two holidays a year.

342
00:15:56,246 --> 00:15:58,499
Judaism has tons of holidays.

343
00:15:58,582 --> 00:16:01,126
Sometimes we make them up the day before.

344
00:16:01,627 --> 00:16:05,255
If anyone questions us,
we'll just say they're being anti-Semitic.

345
00:16:05,339 --> 00:16:06,298
[audience laughing]

346
00:16:06,382 --> 00:16:10,886
Plus, the god at the center
of Christianity, Jesus Christ, was Jewish!

347
00:16:10,970 --> 00:16:13,847
Why pray to a Jew when you can be one?

348
00:16:13,931 --> 00:16:14,932
[audience laughing]

349
00:16:15,015 --> 00:16:16,600
{\an8}This message was paid for by Judaism

350
00:16:16,684 --> 00:16:18,811
{\an8}but honestly we didn't pay,
because we run the network.

351
00:16:18,894 --> 00:16:22,398
[audience laughing]

352
00:16:22,481 --> 00:16:24,900
[audience clapping]

353
00:16:26,402 --> 00:16:28,946
It's not a huge applause break,
but you know.

354
00:16:29,029 --> 00:16:30,030
[audience laughing]

355
00:16:30,114 --> 00:16:30,948
[chuckles]

356
00:16:31,532 --> 00:16:34,827
Also, if you're mad
that Jewish people run TV networks,

357
00:16:34,910 --> 00:16:36,161
they invented them.

358
00:16:36,245 --> 00:16:38,956
They started the movie business,
then the radio business,

359
00:16:39,039 --> 00:16:41,208
then the TV business.
It's kinda theirs to run.

360
00:16:41,291 --> 00:16:44,670
That would be like complaining,
"The Italians run salami!"

361
00:16:44,753 --> 00:16:47,589
[audience laughing]

362
00:16:48,799 --> 00:16:49,633
Week two...

363
00:16:51,218 --> 00:16:53,387
Catholics make an attack ad on Muslims.

364
00:16:53,971 --> 00:16:54,847
Hear me out.

365
00:16:56,223 --> 00:16:59,018
I wrote this joke three months ago,
different world.

366
00:16:59,101 --> 00:17:01,478
- [audience laughing]
- [chuckles]

367
00:17:02,730 --> 00:17:04,898
[in upbeat voice]
Muslims have to pray five times a day.

368
00:17:04,982 --> 00:17:07,985
Catholics only have to pray
when it's super important.

369
00:17:08,068 --> 00:17:10,654
[audience laughing]

370
00:17:10,738 --> 00:17:12,948
Like when they take an STD test.

371
00:17:13,032 --> 00:17:15,034
[audience laughing]

372
00:17:17,077 --> 00:17:20,581
Plus, Muslims make women wear burkas
that cover up their whole bodies.

373
00:17:20,664 --> 00:17:22,416
Catholicism would never do that.

374
00:17:22,499 --> 00:17:25,711
We teach women shame
the old-fashioned way,

375
00:17:25,794 --> 00:17:27,421
psychologically.

376
00:17:27,504 --> 00:17:29,173
[audience laughing]

377
00:17:29,256 --> 00:17:31,133
Plus, Islam forbids alcohol.

378
00:17:31,216 --> 00:17:33,552
Catholicism serves that shit at mass.

379
00:17:34,595 --> 00:17:38,265
Catholicism, we'll bring a little booze,
you bring the little boys.

380
00:17:38,348 --> 00:17:40,934
[audience laughing]

381
00:17:41,977 --> 00:17:43,228
[chuckles]

382
00:17:44,146 --> 00:17:46,190
[chuckling] Here we go. Yeah.

383
00:17:47,566 --> 00:17:51,487
Atheism could win, right? The election.
A lot of atheists here, right?

384
00:17:51,570 --> 00:17:53,572
Like, you know, I used to be an atheist,

385
00:17:53,655 --> 00:17:56,742
and then I kept drinking ayahuasca,
and that changed.

386
00:17:58,202 --> 00:18:00,496
God came and got me. Uh...

387
00:18:00,579 --> 00:18:04,291
I could make a hot-ass atheism commercial.

388
00:18:04,374 --> 00:18:06,293
I just need like 15 seconds.

389
00:18:07,127 --> 00:18:08,712
Black screen, white type.

390
00:18:08,796 --> 00:18:11,590
{\an8}You're liberal. You're vegan. You recycle.

391
00:18:11,673 --> 00:18:14,843
{\an8}You believe in diversity,
equity, and inclusion. Come on!

392
00:18:14,927 --> 00:18:18,472
{\an8}You already think you're better
than everyone. Finish the job!

393
00:18:19,306 --> 00:18:20,474
{\an8}Atheism.

394
00:18:20,557 --> 00:18:24,353
[audience laughing]

395
00:18:27,147 --> 00:18:28,107
Speaking of religion,

396
00:18:28,190 --> 00:18:31,110
did you see the Dalai Lama
got in trouble a few months ago?

397
00:18:31,193 --> 00:18:34,613
If you don't know the story,
the Dalai Lama, like, made out

398
00:18:35,155 --> 00:18:36,740
with, like, an eight-year-old.

399
00:18:37,491 --> 00:18:40,369
I didn't know he was Catholic.
Did you know he was Catholic?

400
00:18:40,452 --> 00:18:42,830
[audience laughing]

401
00:18:42,913 --> 00:18:46,875
People get upset when an important
religious figure falls like that.

402
00:18:46,959 --> 00:18:49,962
I didn't feel upset at all.
I felt, like, liberated.

403
00:18:50,045 --> 00:18:52,422
I feel like if the Dalai Lama's
a pedophile,

404
00:18:52,506 --> 00:18:55,134
we can probably litter.
You know what I mean?

405
00:18:55,217 --> 00:18:57,219
[audience laughing]

406
00:18:58,011 --> 00:19:00,055
But I get why people are upset
about the Dalai Lama.

407
00:19:00,139 --> 00:19:04,268
People need leaders, and a lot of leaders
are just worse than they've ever been.

408
00:19:04,351 --> 00:19:08,272
You know, religious leaders are bad,
corporate leaders are bad,

409
00:19:08,355 --> 00:19:10,858
political leaders seem pretty bad.

410
00:19:10,941 --> 00:19:13,443
Doesn't 91 indictments seem like a lot?

411
00:19:13,527 --> 00:19:14,736
Just hypothetically.

412
00:19:15,404 --> 00:19:19,199
Trump got found guilty of sexual assault.

413
00:19:19,825 --> 00:19:20,784
Basically rape.

414
00:19:20,868 --> 00:19:23,912
We're all so numb to it
that we're just like, "Put it on our tab."

415
00:19:23,996 --> 00:19:26,415
"We don't understand
what's happening to our country."

416
00:19:28,667 --> 00:19:32,254
I've totally accepted that Trump
may still win, right? Totally accepted.

417
00:19:32,337 --> 00:19:33,422
As far as I'm concerned,

418
00:19:33,505 --> 00:19:37,551
the next president is either gonna be
Trump from prison or Biden from hospice.

419
00:19:37,634 --> 00:19:39,344
That's just what it's gonna be.

420
00:19:43,849 --> 00:19:47,853
He's found guilty of rape, basically.
Isn't that insane?

421
00:19:47,936 --> 00:19:50,689
And I know rape's a tough thing
to bring up at a comedy show.

422
00:19:50,772 --> 00:19:53,025
It's like the Holocaust or slavery.

423
00:19:53,108 --> 00:19:56,528
If you bring it up,
do you trivialize it in a bad way,

424
00:19:56,612 --> 00:19:58,780
or do you reduce it in a good way?

425
00:19:58,864 --> 00:20:02,159
Let's try to reduce rape in a good way.
Ready? I think we can do it.

426
00:20:03,243 --> 00:20:05,287
We never joke about rape

427
00:20:05,370 --> 00:20:09,041
'cause it's the worst thing you can do
to somebody except murder,

428
00:20:09,124 --> 00:20:11,627
and we joke about murder constantly.

429
00:20:11,710 --> 00:20:15,714
Dude, if you come to my show
and sit in the front row with your girl,

430
00:20:15,797 --> 00:20:17,257
I'm gonna kill you.

431
00:20:17,341 --> 00:20:20,469
If you wear a beanie to my show,
I'm gonna murder you on sight.

432
00:20:20,552 --> 00:20:23,972
I couldn't have substituted "rape"
in either one of those.

433
00:20:24,056 --> 00:20:25,849
[audience laughing]

434
00:20:25,933 --> 00:20:27,809
Your dad is never gonna call you
and be like,

435
00:20:27,893 --> 00:20:30,145
"If you're late for Mom's birthday,
I'm gonna rape you."

436
00:20:30,229 --> 00:20:31,355
It's never gonna happen.

437
00:20:31,438 --> 00:20:34,149
[audience laughing]

438
00:20:34,233 --> 00:20:39,613
Every movie's got kill, death, murder
in the title, in the plot.

439
00:20:39,696 --> 00:20:42,282
You're never going to see
a trailer for <i>John Wick 5,</i>

440
00:20:42,366 --> 00:20:44,243
like, "They raped his dog."

441
00:20:44,326 --> 00:20:45,869
[audience laughing]

442
00:20:45,953 --> 00:20:48,956
"And now one by one,
he has to rape them back."

443
00:20:52,751 --> 00:20:53,961
I loved <i>Kill Bill.</i>

444
00:20:54,044 --> 00:20:56,421
Did anybody see <i>Rape Bill?</i>
I don't remember.

445
00:20:58,006 --> 00:21:01,218
James Bond, <i>License to Rape.</i>
Who was that? Was that Daniel Craig?

446
00:21:01,802 --> 00:21:04,471
Remember that great song
"Raping Them Softly"?

447
00:21:08,892 --> 00:21:11,520
My friend said
I probably shouldn't do that joke. Eh.

448
00:21:12,187 --> 00:21:13,105
I was like, "How come?"

449
00:21:13,188 --> 00:21:16,275
She goes, "'Cause I think rape
is worse than murder."

450
00:21:16,358 --> 00:21:19,820
I was like, "I know a lot of people
that are recovering from rape."

451
00:21:19,903 --> 00:21:23,657
"I don't know anyone
who's recovered from murder."

452
00:21:23,740 --> 00:21:26,034
All right, one guy, 2,000 years ago,

453
00:21:26,118 --> 00:21:28,870
Jesus Christ, and people will not
shut the fuck up about it.

454
00:21:29,538 --> 00:21:34,626
He was dead, then he was like, "Psych!
Look familiar, motherfucker? Yeah!"

455
00:21:34,710 --> 00:21:36,128
"Should have raped me."

456
00:21:36,211 --> 00:21:38,839
[audience laughing]

457
00:21:41,591 --> 00:21:46,054
Look, I probably shouldn't do that joke,
but unfortunately, it rapes.

458
00:21:46,138 --> 00:21:51,727
[audience laughing and clapping]

459
00:21:54,438 --> 00:21:58,066
I may have lost you on that.
That's a new thing where, because so many

460
00:21:58,150 --> 00:22:01,153
political and religious
and corporate leaders and journalists

461
00:22:01,236 --> 00:22:02,571
have all sort of fallen, so now,

462
00:22:02,654 --> 00:22:05,699
comedians are held
to this incredibly high standard.

463
00:22:05,782 --> 00:22:08,035
It's so weird. It's so weird!

464
00:22:08,118 --> 00:22:12,331
Like, remember when everybody
was walking around going, "Is Ellen nice?"

465
00:22:13,832 --> 00:22:15,334
Is Ellen DeGeneres nice?

466
00:22:15,417 --> 00:22:18,253
Ellen's one of the funniest people alive.
That's A.

467
00:22:18,337 --> 00:22:20,547
B, she's a gay rights icon.

468
00:22:20,630 --> 00:22:23,133
Came out on TV in the '90s,

469
00:22:23,216 --> 00:22:25,510
got kicked off TV for being gay,

470
00:22:25,594 --> 00:22:28,305
comes back six years later, dominates.

471
00:22:28,388 --> 00:22:31,099
It's an amazing story,
but it's not enough for people.

472
00:22:31,183 --> 00:22:34,686
They're like, "Yeah, but is she nice?"
It's so childish.

473
00:22:34,770 --> 00:22:37,356
It's like being like,
"Is my car also a boat?"

474
00:22:37,439 --> 00:22:41,026
Just appreciate
that you have a car, you baby.

475
00:22:41,109 --> 00:22:42,444
Also, "Is Ellen nice?"

476
00:22:42,527 --> 00:22:45,364
How many nice lesbians
have you ever met in your entire life?

477
00:22:45,447 --> 00:22:46,656
[audience laughing]

478
00:22:46,740 --> 00:22:49,534
They're never mean,
but they're never bubbly.

479
00:22:50,744 --> 00:22:54,414
They're like public defenders. Like,
"We're going to get you out of here."

480
00:22:54,498 --> 00:22:56,458
[audience laughing]

481
00:22:56,541 --> 00:22:57,626
[chuckles]

482
00:23:01,838 --> 00:23:03,799
I had a handyman doing work at my house.

483
00:23:03,882 --> 00:23:07,177
Not like he was "my handyman,"
I got him off Craigslist,

484
00:23:07,260 --> 00:23:08,887
and he just wasn't that handy.

485
00:23:10,347 --> 00:23:13,725
After a few times coming to my house,
he was like, "You know Kevin Hart?"

486
00:23:13,809 --> 00:23:17,062
I was like, "I know Kevin a little bit."
He goes, "Is he humble?"

487
00:23:17,145 --> 00:23:19,147
[audience laughing]

488
00:23:19,231 --> 00:23:22,317
I was like, "Jeremy, you're a handyman,
you're not humble."

489
00:23:22,401 --> 00:23:24,069
[audience laughing]

490
00:23:24,152 --> 00:23:25,612
Why does Kevin have to be?

491
00:23:25,695 --> 00:23:29,699
What you're asking is, "Hey, Neal,
is that 5'3" billionaire humble?"

492
00:23:29,783 --> 00:23:31,076
"What do you think, Jeremy?"

493
00:23:31,159 --> 00:23:35,455
How humble do you think Kevin Hart is
on a scale from Napoleon to Tom Cruise?

494
00:23:35,539 --> 00:23:37,707
[audience laughing]

495
00:23:37,791 --> 00:23:42,003
"Where do you put little Kevin there
in terms of raw humility?"

496
00:23:44,005 --> 00:23:48,093
Comedians get in trouble all the time
for talking about transgender rights.

497
00:23:48,176 --> 00:23:51,721
How corrupt is the rest of society
that we're talking about a serious issue,

498
00:23:51,805 --> 00:23:54,057
people go, "What do the clowns think?"

499
00:23:54,141 --> 00:23:55,976
Why are you bringing this up?

500
00:23:58,395 --> 00:24:00,605
"Has anyone asked the clowns about it?"

501
00:24:00,689 --> 00:24:02,190
[audience laughing]

502
00:24:03,316 --> 00:24:07,237
I will say, I have a pretty controversial,
uh, transgender opinion.

503
00:24:07,320 --> 00:24:08,196
You ready?

504
00:24:10,240 --> 00:24:11,908
I don't think about them that much.

505
00:24:11,992 --> 00:24:14,453
- [audience laughing]
- [man hooting]

506
00:24:15,996 --> 00:24:18,415
"Neal, are you a bigot?" Nope, just busy.

507
00:24:18,498 --> 00:24:20,041
[audience laughing]

508
00:24:20,125 --> 00:24:21,793
I think about transgender people

509
00:24:21,877 --> 00:24:24,838
about as much as I think
about left-handed Filipino people.

510
00:24:24,921 --> 00:24:26,339
[audience laughing]

511
00:24:26,423 --> 00:24:29,593
I'm not mad at them.
I hope they get everything they need.

512
00:24:29,676 --> 00:24:32,429
If I meet one and they want to shake
with their left hand,

513
00:24:32,512 --> 00:24:36,016
I won't say, "Right hands only!
I don't recognize that hand as a hand."

514
00:24:36,099 --> 00:24:38,643
[audience laughing]

515
00:24:40,145 --> 00:24:42,022
Joe Rogan gets in trouble all the time.

516
00:24:42,105 --> 00:24:43,482
Joe Rogan, known him 30 years.

517
00:24:43,565 --> 00:24:46,276
Great dude, nice dude, funny dude,
always been nice to me.

518
00:24:46,359 --> 00:24:49,863
He got in trouble during COVID
because he had on anti-vax people,

519
00:24:49,946 --> 00:24:52,741
and when you're talking in public
about medicine and science,

520
00:24:52,824 --> 00:24:54,326
you should hit them back with facts,

521
00:24:54,409 --> 00:24:57,537
whereas Joe was just like,
[in dizzy voice] "That's interesting." Um...

522
00:25:01,082 --> 00:25:04,794
He got in trouble
and then people were boycotting Spotify,

523
00:25:04,878 --> 00:25:07,339
and then Spotify didn't promote him
or demote him.

524
00:25:07,422 --> 00:25:09,007
They were just like, "Ah..."

525
00:25:10,425 --> 00:25:14,888
That was their official
corporate statement. Like, "Ah..."

526
00:25:16,139 --> 00:25:18,016
Be funny if a corporation really stood

527
00:25:18,099 --> 00:25:21,728
by one of their controversial artists
or spokesmen, like, uh...

528
00:25:21,811 --> 00:25:23,563
Like when Jared from Subway...

529
00:25:23,647 --> 00:25:25,857
[audience laughing]

530
00:25:25,941 --> 00:25:29,069
...got popped. You know what I mean?
If Subway'd been like,

531
00:25:29,152 --> 00:25:31,905
"Yeah, he's a pedophile
but he lost the fucking weight."

532
00:25:31,988 --> 00:25:33,949
[audience laughing]

533
00:25:35,200 --> 00:25:38,078
"We don't know how he burned calories,
that's none of our business."

534
00:25:38,161 --> 00:25:40,956
- [audience laughing in disbelief]
- [scoffs]

535
00:25:41,748 --> 00:25:43,500
I'm a bad boy.

536
00:25:43,583 --> 00:25:45,585
- [audience laughing]
- [scoffs]

537
00:25:47,128 --> 00:25:50,632
The problem with Joe's podcast
is it's too long.

538
00:25:51,216 --> 00:25:54,469
The worst I've ever had to piss
is every time I've done that podcast.

539
00:25:54,553 --> 00:25:57,889
Like, it's amazing.
It's just insanely long.

540
00:25:57,973 --> 00:26:01,059
Of course he's gonna say stuff incorrectly
once in a while.

541
00:26:01,142 --> 00:26:04,187
You ever drive, like,
a four- or five-hour drive, like Vegas?

542
00:26:04,771 --> 00:26:08,066
And by the third hour,
you're just grasping at straws.

543
00:26:08,149 --> 00:26:11,236
Like, "Would you have sex
with Judge Judy? Be honest."

544
00:26:11,319 --> 00:26:13,572
[audience laughing]

545
00:26:13,655 --> 00:26:14,906
"Like, for charity?"

546
00:26:14,990 --> 00:26:16,908
[audience laughing]

547
00:26:20,203 --> 00:26:22,289
I gotta say,
it's a weird time to be a comedian.

548
00:26:22,372 --> 00:26:25,542
Every time I pick my phone up,
it's like your friend's in trouble.

549
00:26:25,625 --> 00:26:30,046
Like, "Did Joe Rogan abdicate
his responsibility as a broadcaster?"

550
00:26:30,130 --> 00:26:33,508
"Did Dave Chappelle bring the tackling
on himself with transgender talk?"

551
00:26:33,592 --> 00:26:35,510
I don't know. This shit's all so heavy.

552
00:26:35,594 --> 00:26:39,764
Like, I didn't get into comedy to make
grand moral judgments about my friends.

553
00:26:39,848 --> 00:26:42,892
Got into comedy to jerk off
in front of unsuspecting women.

554
00:26:42,976 --> 00:26:45,979
[audience laughing]

555
00:26:47,105 --> 00:26:49,858
Now are you going to support me or not?

556
00:26:49,941 --> 00:26:51,610
[short-lived laughter]

557
00:26:53,361 --> 00:26:55,030
Did everyone get that one?

558
00:26:55,113 --> 00:26:57,115
[audience laughing]

559
00:26:58,074 --> 00:26:59,701
Another issue is,

560
00:26:59,784 --> 00:27:02,203
Joe just kept
getting more and more mainstream.

561
00:27:02,287 --> 00:27:05,332
Like, if you had asked me in the year 2004

562
00:27:05,415 --> 00:27:07,876
who the most consequential
political figures in America

563
00:27:07,959 --> 00:27:09,085
would be in 2024,

564
00:27:09,169 --> 00:27:11,004
I would not have said
the host of <i>The Apprentice</i>

565
00:27:11,087 --> 00:27:12,172
and the host of <i>Fear Factor.</i>

566
00:27:12,255 --> 00:27:13,548
Would not have said it.

567
00:27:13,632 --> 00:27:15,800
[audience laughing]

568
00:27:15,884 --> 00:27:17,844
But everything gets more mainstream.

569
00:27:17,927 --> 00:27:19,888
Mental health got way more mainstream.

570
00:27:19,971 --> 00:27:23,892
Very few people used to talk about it,
and now it's a true movement.

571
00:27:23,975 --> 00:27:25,477
ESPN's always carrying on

572
00:27:25,560 --> 00:27:28,938
about how athletes need
to have good mental health.

573
00:27:29,022 --> 00:27:32,359
And I want everyone
to have great mental health.

574
00:27:32,442 --> 00:27:34,486
But, um... but not athletes.

575
00:27:34,569 --> 00:27:36,363
[audience laughing]

576
00:27:36,446 --> 00:27:39,032
Guys, we need our athletes
to be total psychos.

577
00:27:39,115 --> 00:27:40,450
You don't understand that?

578
00:27:40,533 --> 00:27:42,661
You know what
I call an athlete with good mental health?

579
00:27:42,744 --> 00:27:45,080
An assistant coach is what I call them.

580
00:27:45,163 --> 00:27:46,331
[audience laughing]

581
00:27:46,915 --> 00:27:51,795
What documentary did we all watch
about basketball during COVID?

582
00:27:52,379 --> 00:27:53,380
<i>Last Dance,</i> correct.

583
00:27:53,463 --> 00:27:57,342
Did Michael Jordan seem mentally healthy
to you in the slightest?

584
00:27:58,343 --> 00:28:00,387
Giant mansion, one chair.

585
00:28:00,470 --> 00:28:03,431
[audience laughing]

586
00:28:05,684 --> 00:28:07,560
Here's what we learned
during <i>The Last Dance.</i>

587
00:28:07,644 --> 00:28:10,772
We learned that Michael Jordan's hobby
was basketball,

588
00:28:11,356 --> 00:28:13,733
but his passion was revenge.

589
00:28:13,817 --> 00:28:15,318
[audience laughing]

590
00:28:15,402 --> 00:28:17,529
It's what fueled him.
It's what fuels all the greats.

591
00:28:17,612 --> 00:28:19,572
Settling scores and holding grudges.

592
00:28:19,656 --> 00:28:22,075
I was at a restaurant recently,
and some little kid was crying.

593
00:28:22,158 --> 00:28:25,453
His dad was like, "Son, remember,
the most important thing in life

594
00:28:25,537 --> 00:28:27,288
is to never take anything personally."

595
00:28:27,372 --> 00:28:31,334
I slid in and said, "Unless you want to be
the greatest basketball player ever."

596
00:28:31,418 --> 00:28:33,461
[audience laughing]

597
00:28:33,545 --> 00:28:38,216
"So do you want to make $150 million
every year in passive income

598
00:28:38,299 --> 00:28:42,887
off a picture of you jumping from 1985,
and even just based on the silhouette

599
00:28:42,971 --> 00:28:46,266
of you jumping, we can tell
what an absolute sociopath you are,

600
00:28:46,349 --> 00:28:48,643
and we want that shit
on our shirt and our shoes,

601
00:28:48,727 --> 00:28:52,313
and Mexican dudes want it on the back
of their pickup trucks for some reason."

602
00:28:52,397 --> 00:28:53,857
[audience laughing]

603
00:28:53,940 --> 00:28:55,525
No one knows why.

604
00:28:55,608 --> 00:28:58,153
Right side of the glass,
white Jordan logo.

605
00:28:58,945 --> 00:29:01,823
Let the anthropologists
figure it out, guys. No one knows.

606
00:29:05,285 --> 00:29:08,621
Yeah, if they're great at sports,
they're out of their minds.

607
00:29:09,122 --> 00:29:11,040
Tom Brady, not well.

608
00:29:11,124 --> 00:29:12,500
[audience laughing]

609
00:29:12,584 --> 00:29:14,461
Did you see him
try to play toward the end?

610
00:29:14,544 --> 00:29:15,795
Whenever he'd try to run,

611
00:29:15,879 --> 00:29:19,716
he looked like he was on the toilet
and he left his phone in the other room.

612
00:29:19,799 --> 00:29:21,968
[audience laughing]

613
00:29:23,970 --> 00:29:25,597
Tom Brady tried to retire,

614
00:29:26,347 --> 00:29:27,682
made it like ten days.

615
00:29:28,516 --> 00:29:31,436
Finally, he was like... [in raspy voice]
"I don't know these fucking kids."

616
00:29:31,519 --> 00:29:33,521
[audience laughing]

617
00:29:35,774 --> 00:29:38,026
They were like,
"Dad, come outside and throw the ball?"

618
00:29:38,109 --> 00:29:39,527
He was like, "With you guys? No."

619
00:29:39,611 --> 00:29:41,613
[audience laughing]

620
00:29:43,907 --> 00:29:47,911
The greatest athlete in any sport
is the craziest. Michael Phelps.

621
00:29:47,994 --> 00:29:51,790
Michael Phelps has 23 gold medals
in the Olympics.

622
00:29:51,873 --> 00:29:54,709
You know what second place
of all time is? Eight.

623
00:29:55,627 --> 00:29:57,712
He should be in a padded cell.

624
00:29:57,796 --> 00:30:00,757
He's always been pretty open
about having depression, right?

625
00:30:00,840 --> 00:30:03,968
Which didn't surprise me at all 'cause
when he first came back from the Olympics,

626
00:30:04,052 --> 00:30:07,180
he had, like, a few gold medals,
and then someone took a picture

627
00:30:07,263 --> 00:30:09,849
of him smoking weed,
and then he got busted for a DUI.

628
00:30:09,933 --> 00:30:11,768
People were like,
"I'm worried about Phelps."

629
00:30:11,851 --> 00:30:14,354
I was like, "I'm not.
This maniac's right on time."

630
00:30:14,437 --> 00:30:15,563
[audience laughing]

631
00:30:16,147 --> 00:30:18,358
"That's just a boy who loves his country."

632
00:30:18,441 --> 00:30:20,026
[audience laughing]

633
00:30:21,653 --> 00:30:24,113
By the way, it's not just male athletes.

634
00:30:24,197 --> 00:30:25,573
It's female too.

635
00:30:25,657 --> 00:30:30,119
Like those little gymnastics girls?
That shit should be against the law.

636
00:30:30,829 --> 00:30:32,247
The events are insane!

637
00:30:32,330 --> 00:30:36,084
It's like, "All right, you're going
to come charging down this runway,

638
00:30:36,584 --> 00:30:37,794
you have bare feet,

639
00:30:37,877 --> 00:30:42,882
and then wear, like, a bathing suit
with, like, bedazzled."

640
00:30:42,966 --> 00:30:46,469
"And, uh... And then you're going
to get to the end of the runway."

641
00:30:46,553 --> 00:30:49,305
"We put a trampoline down there, right?"

642
00:30:49,389 --> 00:30:53,017
"And then someone left a table.
So, you gotta..."

643
00:30:56,312 --> 00:30:58,106
"By the way, you're 11, right?"

644
00:30:58,189 --> 00:31:00,191
[audience laughing]

645
00:31:00,275 --> 00:31:02,735
"You better stick the landing,
you little bitch."

646
00:31:02,819 --> 00:31:05,321
- [audience laughing]
- [chuckles]

647
00:31:06,447 --> 00:31:08,157
They don't even
sound like sporting events.

648
00:31:08,241 --> 00:31:12,662
They sound like <i>Jackass</i> stunts
that they let them practice in advance.

649
00:31:12,745 --> 00:31:17,000
Like, "I'm Johnny Knoxville.
This is a balance beam." [vocalizes]

650
00:31:19,168 --> 00:31:22,589
Do those figure skater girls
look like they're having a good time?

651
00:31:22,672 --> 00:31:23,548
Not to me.

652
00:31:23,631 --> 00:31:26,259
They look like they're struggling, right?

653
00:31:26,342 --> 00:31:28,553
Whenever they do
those figure skating events,

654
00:31:28,636 --> 00:31:32,891
it looks like it's the first day the girls
have been allowed to wear makeup,

655
00:31:33,516 --> 00:31:36,102
and they have no idea what they're doing.

656
00:31:36,185 --> 00:31:38,938
Where they're like,
"Okay, doll, doll, doll."

657
00:31:39,022 --> 00:31:40,732
"Doll, doll, doll."

658
00:31:40,815 --> 00:31:42,317
"Shock, horror."

659
00:31:42,400 --> 00:31:45,028
[audience laughing]

660
00:31:45,111 --> 00:31:46,821
And the events, again, are insane.

661
00:31:46,905 --> 00:31:49,949
They're spinning,
and then they start spinning so fast

662
00:31:50,033 --> 00:31:53,202
that they turn into a hologram
of themselves. Like...

663
00:31:53,286 --> 00:31:55,413
[audience laughing]

664
00:31:55,496 --> 00:31:59,292
They have to stick the landing and act
like they didn't just travel through time.

665
00:31:59,375 --> 00:32:00,793
[audience laughing]

666
00:32:01,628 --> 00:32:03,212
And then they finish,

667
00:32:03,296 --> 00:32:06,758
and they have to go sit in the booth
with their kidnappers.

668
00:32:06,841 --> 00:32:07,800
Where they...

669
00:32:07,884 --> 00:32:11,763
[audience laughing]

670
00:32:14,098 --> 00:32:17,393
Holding flowers that someone picked up
from the freeway.

671
00:32:19,228 --> 00:32:21,189
"I go now? Yes, I'm free to go?"

672
00:32:22,315 --> 00:32:27,695
Last Olympics, I... I just called the FBI.
Like, "Are you missing any girls?"

673
00:32:29,030 --> 00:32:30,740
"'Cause they're ice skating."

674
00:32:34,285 --> 00:32:38,164
The best athlete
is generally the craziest athlete.

675
00:32:39,123 --> 00:32:39,999
Kyrie Irving.

676
00:32:41,626 --> 00:32:43,252
One of the best guards ever, right?

677
00:32:43,336 --> 00:32:46,506
And then about five years ago,
he said the Earth was flat.

678
00:32:47,548 --> 00:32:49,801
Then he wouldn't take the vaccine,
so he couldn't play,

679
00:32:49,884 --> 00:32:52,261
and then he promoted
an anti-Semitic video.

680
00:32:52,345 --> 00:32:55,139
Like, "I knew he was good.
I didn't know he was this good! My God."

681
00:32:55,223 --> 00:32:56,057
[audience laughing]

682
00:32:56,140 --> 00:32:59,060
"This kid's fucking around
with GOAT status. Shit."

683
00:33:01,020 --> 00:33:04,732
Every sport,
the best person in it is the craziest.

684
00:33:05,358 --> 00:33:06,442
Oscar Pistorius.

685
00:33:08,569 --> 00:33:10,405
Remember Oscar Pistorius? Paralympian.

686
00:33:10,488 --> 00:33:13,992
Then someone said, "Can you believe
Oscar Pistorius murdered his girlfriend?"

687
00:33:14,075 --> 00:33:17,453
I was like,
"He's a sprinter with no legs."

688
00:33:17,537 --> 00:33:18,663
[audience laughing]

689
00:33:18,746 --> 00:33:21,332
"I believe he can do anything."

690
00:33:21,416 --> 00:33:24,002
[audience laughing]

691
00:33:27,046 --> 00:33:28,131
Dennis Rodman.

692
00:33:29,173 --> 00:33:31,968
One of the greatest rebounders,
then he retired. Someone's like,

693
00:33:32,051 --> 00:33:35,221
"You want to be friends with Kim Jong-un?"
He's like, "You know I do."

694
00:33:35,304 --> 00:33:37,306
[audience laughing]

695
00:33:41,519 --> 00:33:42,395
Lance Armstrong.

696
00:33:42,478 --> 00:33:44,731
I don't even consider
Lance Armstrong an athlete.

697
00:33:44,814 --> 00:33:48,192
I consider Lance Armstrong
a criminal who found a bike.

698
00:33:48,276 --> 00:33:50,653
[audience laughing]

699
00:33:52,196 --> 00:33:54,824
Imagine the worst lie you've ever told,

700
00:33:54,907 --> 00:33:57,285
now imagine selling bracelets about it.

701
00:33:57,368 --> 00:33:59,620
[audience laughing]

702
00:33:59,704 --> 00:34:01,289
Respect, sir. Respect.

703
00:34:04,083 --> 00:34:06,294
And then of course the biggest maniac

704
00:34:06,377 --> 00:34:08,838
any of us have ever seen
in our entire lives,

705
00:34:09,422 --> 00:34:10,256
Tiger Woods.

706
00:34:11,215 --> 00:34:13,009
Did you see that documentary?

707
00:34:13,092 --> 00:34:14,719
It was called <i>Tiger,</i>

708
00:34:14,802 --> 00:34:17,472
but they should have called it
<i>Golfin' and Fuckin'.</i>

709
00:34:17,555 --> 00:34:19,265
[audience laughing]

710
00:34:19,348 --> 00:34:23,603
'Cause that's all that kid was doing was
golfin' and fuckin', golfin' and fuckin'.

711
00:34:23,686 --> 00:34:26,189
They caught him fuckin'
and were like, "You gotta stop fucking."

712
00:34:26,272 --> 00:34:29,484
He's like, "All right, but I'm pretty sure
I'm going to be worse at golf."

713
00:34:29,567 --> 00:34:31,194
[audience laughing]

714
00:34:31,819 --> 00:34:33,613
And he was!

715
00:34:33,696 --> 00:34:35,031
[audience laughing]

716
00:34:35,114 --> 00:34:37,283
He knew the formula.
It's golfin' and fuckin'.

717
00:34:37,366 --> 00:34:40,119
It's not golfin' and raising a family.
Ugh!

718
00:34:40,745 --> 00:34:42,705
Ugh!

719
00:34:43,790 --> 00:34:45,708
Literally, ugh!

720
00:34:48,795 --> 00:34:50,463
I knew Tiger was a real one.

721
00:34:51,839 --> 00:34:54,759
Twenty years ago, I saw him at some event.

722
00:34:54,842 --> 00:34:58,221
And he's walking along with bodyguards.
Not big bodyguards either.

723
00:34:58,304 --> 00:35:01,808
Not burly dudes, like little white dudes
with black turtlenecks on,

724
00:35:01,891 --> 00:35:04,227
like real... real dangerous people.

725
00:35:04,811 --> 00:35:07,897
So they're walking along,
and some little British guy

726
00:35:07,980 --> 00:35:10,483
comes running out from nowhere,
and he goes, "Tiger!"

727
00:35:10,566 --> 00:35:13,986
And, uh, the security guards just
immediately put the clamps on him.

728
00:35:14,070 --> 00:35:18,533
This is how I knew Tiger was a real one,
'cause the guy went, "Tiger, help."

729
00:35:18,616 --> 00:35:21,911
[audience laughing]

730
00:35:21,994 --> 00:35:23,704
Tiger didn't even break stride.

731
00:35:23,788 --> 00:35:25,957
He was like,
"That's neither golfing nor fucking."

732
00:35:26,040 --> 00:35:27,875
[audience laughing]

733
00:35:27,959 --> 00:35:29,710
"So I should keep it moving."

734
00:35:33,631 --> 00:35:37,343
Do your best with the mental health stuff.
Therapy, medication, whatever.

735
00:35:37,426 --> 00:35:39,971
Just know that if you don't get there,

736
00:35:40,054 --> 00:35:42,557
some of the greatest things
that have ever happened on Earth

737
00:35:42,640 --> 00:35:45,268
were created by psychopaths
and drug addicts.

738
00:35:45,810 --> 00:35:48,855
Like every invention,
psychopaths and drug addicts.

739
00:35:48,938 --> 00:35:53,526
Like Sigmund Freud,
the guy invented therapy, right?

740
00:35:53,609 --> 00:35:56,654
Open cokehead.
Would write about it in his books.

741
00:35:56,737 --> 00:36:00,449
Most of Freud's books should be called
<i>This May Be the Cocaine Talking.</i> Like...

742
00:36:00,533 --> 00:36:01,951
[audience laughing]

743
00:36:02,034 --> 00:36:04,912
They're insanely cokey ideas.
You can hear it.

744
00:36:04,996 --> 00:36:06,455
Like... [sniffs] "Okay. What else?"

745
00:36:06,539 --> 00:36:09,208
- Uh...
- [audience laughing]

746
00:36:09,292 --> 00:36:13,045
"Okay, come on, what are we doing?
I... think women are jealous of our dicks."

747
00:36:13,129 --> 00:36:16,048
"Yeah, they are.
That's good. Yep, yep, yep!"

748
00:36:16,132 --> 00:36:18,134
- [knocking]
- "Yep, yep, yep, yep."

749
00:36:18,217 --> 00:36:21,929
"What else? What else? Uh... I think
every guy wants to fuck his mom."

750
00:36:22,013 --> 00:36:23,514
"Oh, yeah, he does."

751
00:36:23,598 --> 00:36:26,601
{\an8}"That might be the hottest shit
you ever wrote, boy."

752
00:36:26,684 --> 00:36:29,061
[audience laughing]

753
00:36:29,145 --> 00:36:30,188
Listen to me.

754
00:36:30,271 --> 00:36:33,733
No cocaine, no therapy.

755
00:36:34,734 --> 00:36:38,738
The guy popularized therapy
because of coke!

756
00:36:38,821 --> 00:36:42,491
And it makes sense,
'cause therapy is an extremely cokey idea.

757
00:36:42,575 --> 00:36:46,746
Like, "Just come into the office
and fucking just tell me everything."

758
00:36:46,829 --> 00:36:50,708
"Tell me about your mom and your dad
and your dreams at night."

759
00:36:50,791 --> 00:36:53,002
After an hour,
he's like, "Hey, get the fuck outta here!"

760
00:36:53,085 --> 00:36:57,006
- [audience laughing]
- [whooping]

761
00:36:58,841 --> 00:37:01,552
[inaudible]

762
00:37:01,636 --> 00:37:03,471
"Come back in exactly a week."

763
00:37:03,554 --> 00:37:06,515
[audience laughing]

764
00:37:07,767 --> 00:37:11,062
I'm telling you,
psychopaths and drug addicts.

765
00:37:11,145 --> 00:37:12,563
Thomas Edison did coke.

766
00:37:12,647 --> 00:37:15,441
The Wright brothers worked in a bike shop.

767
00:37:16,150 --> 00:37:18,402
I don't know about you,
but anyone I've ever met

768
00:37:18,486 --> 00:37:21,155
who worked in a bike shop
could get me meth <i>today.</i>

769
00:37:21,239 --> 00:37:22,573
[audience laughing]

770
00:37:22,657 --> 00:37:24,700
I don't know if they really did meth,

771
00:37:24,784 --> 00:37:27,745
but I will say they had
the methiest idea ever,

772
00:37:27,828 --> 00:37:30,164
like, "Hey, do you fucking feel
like you can fly?"

773
00:37:30,248 --> 00:37:32,291
And they go, "Meet me at the beach."

774
00:37:32,375 --> 00:37:33,876
[mimics airplane engine]

775
00:37:38,089 --> 00:37:41,425
Psychopaths and drug addicts,
even the... even the modern inventors.

776
00:37:42,009 --> 00:37:45,638
Elon Musk. People don't like Elon Musk.
The guy founded PayPal and Tesla.

777
00:37:45,721 --> 00:37:47,807
People are like,
"But he's a troll and a bad dad."

778
00:37:47,890 --> 00:37:50,685
I'm like, "So is mine.
He did nothing to fight climate change."

779
00:37:50,768 --> 00:37:52,645
[audience laughing]

780
00:37:52,728 --> 00:37:55,231
Also, have you been in a Tesla?

781
00:37:55,314 --> 00:37:58,234
Have you been in a Tesla?
My buddy let me drive his Tesla.

782
00:37:58,317 --> 00:38:00,820
I laughed out loud at how fast it went.

783
00:38:00,903 --> 00:38:04,740
Been clinically depressed my entire life,
on dozens of medications.

784
00:38:04,824 --> 00:38:07,910
In a Tesla for 13 seconds, cured forever.

785
00:38:07,994 --> 00:38:09,996
[audience laughing]

786
00:38:11,580 --> 00:38:16,252
He's another one who I knew
he was a real one, a long time ago.

787
00:38:16,335 --> 00:38:18,587
He came to the Comedy Store
one night, right?

788
00:38:18,671 --> 00:38:22,049
And, uh... there was...
You know, room shaped like this.

789
00:38:22,133 --> 00:38:25,720
He sat in the corner,
never faced the stage once.

790
00:38:27,430 --> 00:38:29,598
Live your life, you fucking maniac.

791
00:38:29,682 --> 00:38:32,518
Just getting his Amadeus on
in the corner, like, "Aah."

792
00:38:32,601 --> 00:38:33,686
Fantastic.

793
00:38:33,769 --> 00:38:36,647
Just a touch of Asperger's, guys.
Just a touch.

794
00:38:36,731 --> 00:38:38,733
[audience laughing]

795
00:38:40,276 --> 00:38:44,405
Bill Gates got caught cheating
on his wife via email.

796
00:38:44,905 --> 00:38:46,991
[audience laughing]

797
00:38:47,074 --> 00:38:49,869
Dude, you invented email!

798
00:38:49,952 --> 00:38:52,163
[audience laughing]

799
00:38:56,208 --> 00:38:58,127
Psychopaths and drug addicts.

800
00:38:58,961 --> 00:39:01,881
Most culture
is from psychopaths and drug addicts.

801
00:39:02,590 --> 00:39:07,762
Music, there's a zillion stories
from rock and roll about drugs, right?

802
00:39:07,845 --> 00:39:09,972
I read Keith Richards' autobiography.

803
00:39:10,056 --> 00:39:14,310
This is how drugged out they were.
So the Stones had so many drug charges,

804
00:39:14,393 --> 00:39:16,520
that in order to tour in America,

805
00:39:16,604 --> 00:39:19,231
they had to hire a doctor
to travel with them

806
00:39:19,315 --> 00:39:21,442
and test them for drugs every day.

807
00:39:21,525 --> 00:39:24,028
The doctor lasted six weeks
before, you guessed it,

808
00:39:24,111 --> 00:39:26,405
he got hooked on cocaine. Whoops!

809
00:39:26,489 --> 00:39:28,574
[audience laughing]

810
00:39:28,657 --> 00:39:30,618
The vampire hunter got bit.

811
00:39:30,701 --> 00:39:32,328
[audience laughing]

812
00:39:32,411 --> 00:39:35,081
Rock's insane like that,
psychopaths and drug addicts.

813
00:39:35,164 --> 00:39:36,248
Hip-hop.

814
00:39:37,083 --> 00:39:38,292
[makes parrot-like sound]

815
00:39:38,376 --> 00:39:39,710
[audience laughing]

816
00:39:39,794 --> 00:39:41,295
[parrot-like sound]

817
00:39:41,379 --> 00:39:44,548
You ever know a not-fucked-up person
make either one of those noises?

818
00:39:45,883 --> 00:39:48,260
You ever call your mom, like,
"Happy Sunday, Mom." She's like...

819
00:39:48,344 --> 00:39:51,013
- [makes parrot-like sound]
- [audience laughing]

820
00:39:53,099 --> 00:39:56,185
Snoop Dogg, one of the greatest
entertainers of all time,

821
00:39:56,268 --> 00:39:59,855
a hip-hop legend, and he's so fucked up,
that at a certain point,

822
00:39:59,939 --> 00:40:02,525
he just started
talking in fizzle-jizzle language.

823
00:40:03,442 --> 00:40:06,195
We all accepted it. Like,
"Should we get him to hospital?"

824
00:40:06,278 --> 00:40:08,531
"No, let's go to the studio.
See what he can do."

825
00:40:08,614 --> 00:40:10,741
[audience laughing]

826
00:40:10,825 --> 00:40:13,327
Snoop may have no idea what's happening.

827
00:40:14,453 --> 00:40:16,330
Like, "Fizzle jizzle wizzle bizzle."

828
00:40:16,414 --> 00:40:19,083
"Bow wow wow,
fizzle jizzle bizzle wizzle."

829
00:40:19,166 --> 00:40:22,920
"Skechers, I'd love to endorse Skechers.
Bow wow wow fizzle."

830
00:40:23,003 --> 00:40:25,131
"Martha Stewart!
I should do several shows with her."

831
00:40:25,214 --> 00:40:27,550
Meanwhile, he thinks it's <i>Ellen.</i>
He's gone.

832
00:40:27,633 --> 00:40:29,635
[audience laughing]

833
00:40:31,429 --> 00:40:32,430
Kendrick Lamar.

834
00:40:33,556 --> 00:40:34,890
True genius, right?

835
00:40:35,391 --> 00:40:37,935
Sing along if you know the words
where he says...

836
00:40:38,018 --> 00:40:40,855
<i>♪ If Pirus and Crips all got along ♪</i>

837
00:40:40,938 --> 00:40:44,066
<i>♪ They'd probably gun me down
By the end of this song ♪</i>

838
00:40:44,150 --> 00:40:48,237
<i>♪ Feels like the whole city go against me
Every time I'm in the street, I hear... ♪</i>

839
00:40:48,320 --> 00:40:50,197
<i>♪ Yawk, yawk, yawk, yawk ♪</i>

840
00:40:53,075 --> 00:40:55,077
<i>♪ Yawk, yawk, yawk, yawk ♪</i>

841
00:40:55,619 --> 00:40:59,582
You can't get to<i>,
"</i>Yawk, yawk, yawk, yawk" sober.

842
00:40:59,665 --> 00:41:01,417
You cannot get there, guys.

843
00:41:01,500 --> 00:41:04,712
You could be in a marina,
walk past four yachts,

844
00:41:04,795 --> 00:41:07,381
and you're not gonna think,
"Yawk, yawk, yawk, yawk."

845
00:41:07,465 --> 00:41:09,467
[audience laughing]

846
00:41:12,511 --> 00:41:15,681
And he has a well-deserved Pulitzer Prize.

847
00:41:15,764 --> 00:41:17,349
[audience laughing]

848
00:41:18,601 --> 00:41:19,560
[parrot-like sound]

849
00:41:21,604 --> 00:41:24,565
You may be thinking,
"Neal, psychopaths and drug addicts?"

850
00:41:24,648 --> 00:41:27,943
"Are all comedians psychopaths
and drug addicts?"

851
00:41:29,195 --> 00:41:30,321
So far, yep.

852
00:41:30,404 --> 00:41:31,822
[audience laughing]

853
00:41:31,906 --> 00:41:34,200
Let's go down the list.
George Carlin, drug addict.

854
00:41:34,283 --> 00:41:36,994
Richard Pryor, drug addict.
Bill Cosby, choose-your-own-adventure.

855
00:41:37,077 --> 00:41:39,705
[audience laughing]

856
00:41:40,956 --> 00:41:42,333
Lenny Bruce, drug addict.

857
00:41:42,416 --> 00:41:44,585
Mitch Hedberg, drug addict.
John Belushi, drug addict.

858
00:41:44,668 --> 00:41:47,880
John Mulaney told me to remind you
he's a drug addict.

859
00:41:47,963 --> 00:41:50,716
[audience laughing]

860
00:41:50,799 --> 00:41:53,677
Those are just the drug addicts
that you know about.

861
00:41:53,761 --> 00:41:56,222
Then there's the alcoholics
we don't have time for.

862
00:41:56,305 --> 00:41:57,932
So let's do mental illness.

863
00:41:58,015 --> 00:41:59,600
Mark Twain, bipolar.

864
00:41:59,683 --> 00:42:01,936
Taylor Tomlinson, bipolar too.

865
00:42:02,019 --> 00:42:05,147
I'm depressed, Sarah's depressed.
Rodney Dangerfield was depressed.

866
00:42:05,231 --> 00:42:06,565
Joan Rivers was depressed.

867
00:42:06,649 --> 00:42:10,194
Howie Mandel has the worst case of OCD
I've ever heard of.

868
00:42:10,277 --> 00:42:13,030
Chris Rock's got
nonverbal learning disability.

869
00:42:13,113 --> 00:42:14,240
Jim Jefferies...

870
00:42:14,740 --> 00:42:17,993
- Um...
- [audience laughing and whooping]

871
00:42:19,119 --> 00:42:21,205
I don't know what Bill Burr's issue is,

872
00:42:21,288 --> 00:42:24,583
but he's yelled at me every time
I've seen him for 20 years straight.

873
00:42:24,667 --> 00:42:26,252
[audience laughing]

874
00:42:26,335 --> 00:42:29,880
It's 'cause people that are good
at something are optimized for that thing,

875
00:42:29,964 --> 00:42:31,840
and pretty much nothing else, right?

876
00:42:31,924 --> 00:42:34,260
You ever play a video game
where you make the character

877
00:42:34,343 --> 00:42:36,345
and you have 100 points,
and you gotta distribute it

878
00:42:36,428 --> 00:42:39,014
between dexterity
and marksmanship and speed?

879
00:42:39,765 --> 00:42:41,141
That's what God does,

880
00:42:41,934 --> 00:42:44,270
and sometimes he fucks up.

881
00:42:45,563 --> 00:42:47,773
Like when God was making Woody Allen...

882
00:42:47,856 --> 00:42:50,276
[audience] Whoa...

883
00:42:51,193 --> 00:42:52,027
...they were like,

884
00:42:52,111 --> 00:42:55,406
"God, how many points should we give him
for comedy and filmmaking?"

885
00:42:55,489 --> 00:42:57,658
God's like, "Fuck it, give him 100."

886
00:42:58,742 --> 00:43:02,121
They were like, "That doesn't leave
any points for not fucking his family."

887
00:43:02,204 --> 00:43:03,914
[audience laughing]

888
00:43:05,124 --> 00:43:07,042
And God was like, "How bad can it be?"

889
00:43:07,793 --> 00:43:10,921
Then 70 years later, an angel was like,
"Did you see that documentary?"

890
00:43:11,005 --> 00:43:12,256
God was like, "Fuck!"

891
00:43:12,339 --> 00:43:13,632
[audience laughing]

892
00:43:13,716 --> 00:43:17,678
[audience cheering]

893
00:43:19,430 --> 00:43:23,517
Yeah, like I'm good at this,
and I'm not good at relationships.

894
00:43:23,601 --> 00:43:26,937
And I just realized why.
I just realized why, like, recently.

895
00:43:27,021 --> 00:43:30,649
I'm not that good at relationships
'cause I'm preoccupied with this!

896
00:43:30,733 --> 00:43:32,318
I'll be in a relationship with a woman,

897
00:43:32,401 --> 00:43:35,487
we'll be having, like,
normal relationship conversations.

898
00:43:35,571 --> 00:43:38,782
She's being like, "Hey, I think
this weekend we should go see my mom."

899
00:43:38,866 --> 00:43:41,785
I'm like, "Religions should make
attack ads on each other."

900
00:43:42,369 --> 00:43:44,371
She's like,
"After that, we can go antiquing."

901
00:43:44,455 --> 00:43:47,082
I'm like, "The sun is like the cops
for white people."

902
00:43:47,583 --> 00:43:50,210
She'll say, "You're not listening."
"Of course I'm listening."

903
00:43:50,294 --> 00:43:52,546
"Yawk, yawk, yawk, yawk."

904
00:43:56,216 --> 00:43:58,677
Also, have you been in a relationship?

905
00:43:59,261 --> 00:44:00,638
They're very difficult.

906
00:44:02,348 --> 00:44:04,433
Who's in their twenties,
by round of applause?

907
00:44:04,516 --> 00:44:05,768
[audience clapping]

908
00:44:05,851 --> 00:44:09,480
All right, so let me explain to you
how your dating life's gonna go.

909
00:44:10,689 --> 00:44:13,567
So you're in your twenties,
and you're gonna start dating seriously,

910
00:44:13,651 --> 00:44:17,154
and you're going to realize, like,
"Oh, I have emotional problems."

911
00:44:17,237 --> 00:44:20,908
In your thirties, you're gonna be like,
"I'm gonna solve my emotional problems."

912
00:44:20,991 --> 00:44:24,620
In your forties, you're gonna be like,
"It's a shame I never did solve...

913
00:44:24,703 --> 00:44:26,664
[audience laughing]

914
00:44:26,747 --> 00:44:28,499
...those emotional problems."

915
00:44:30,167 --> 00:44:32,169
Don't you wish we had more in common,
men and women?

916
00:44:32,252 --> 00:44:34,463
I like those couples
with one thing in common,

917
00:44:34,546 --> 00:44:36,715
and they're seeing
how far they can take it.

918
00:44:37,424 --> 00:44:41,053
Know what I mean? Like going into
Comic-Con dressed as his-and-her orcs.

919
00:44:42,388 --> 00:44:44,014
I like the weightlifting couple

920
00:44:44,098 --> 00:44:47,267
walking around
like spray-tanned apes everywhere they go.

921
00:44:47,351 --> 00:44:48,394
Like, "Come on, babe."

922
00:44:48,477 --> 00:44:51,563
"Let's go home and talk
about chicken breast and broccoli again."

923
00:44:52,856 --> 00:44:55,442
I want us to have
more in common, I really do.

924
00:44:55,526 --> 00:44:56,902
Sometimes I'll be on dating apps

925
00:44:56,985 --> 00:44:59,738
and I'll cover up women's photos
to see what their personality's like.

926
00:44:59,822 --> 00:45:03,659
One girl's bio, recently, was like,
"I love SoulCycle and red wine

927
00:45:03,742 --> 00:45:06,036
and sunsets and rockin' playlists."

928
00:45:06,120 --> 00:45:09,748
And I thought, "If this was a guy,
I would run him over with my car."

929
00:45:09,832 --> 00:45:11,417
[audience laughing]

930
00:45:11,500 --> 00:45:14,336
Then I see it's a beautiful woman,
I'm like, "She may be the one."

931
00:45:14,420 --> 00:45:16,964
[audience laughing]

932
00:45:20,217 --> 00:45:22,845
It's just hard.
Relationships are just hard.

933
00:45:22,928 --> 00:45:25,514
Maybe it's me.
Maybe I'm too preoccupied with this

934
00:45:25,597 --> 00:45:27,641
and it makes me petty. Let's see.

935
00:45:27,725 --> 00:45:31,395
Uh, so I was in love with a woman
and, uh, we were together for a while.

936
00:45:31,478 --> 00:45:33,063
We were in love, it was amazing.

937
00:45:33,147 --> 00:45:37,818
She had a trip planned to Singapore,
and then Putin invades Ukraine.

938
00:45:37,901 --> 00:45:41,822
My girl calls me. "I'm really afraid
this will affect my trip to Singapore."

939
00:45:41,905 --> 00:45:43,574
And I was like, "It's not gonna."

940
00:45:44,450 --> 00:45:47,327
She was like, "No, everyone in Malibu
is saying it's gonna affect it."

941
00:45:47,411 --> 00:45:50,664
I was like, "Babe,
I think living near the beach

942
00:45:50,748 --> 00:45:53,208
like slows down your brain or something."

943
00:45:53,834 --> 00:45:56,003
"Unless your flight
is connecting through Kiev,

944
00:45:56,086 --> 00:45:57,921
like, I think you're straight."

945
00:45:58,005 --> 00:45:59,923
She was like,
"I have to get off the phone now."

946
00:46:00,007 --> 00:46:03,302
I go, "Why?" She goes,
"Because you're not supporting my fear."

947
00:46:04,428 --> 00:46:06,180
Like, "I've never even heard of that."

948
00:46:06,263 --> 00:46:08,432
She's like,
"I need you to support my fear."

949
00:46:08,515 --> 00:46:11,310
I was like, "Okay, from here on out,
I'll try to support your fear."

950
00:46:11,393 --> 00:46:14,271
So anyway, about eight days later,

951
00:46:14,855 --> 00:46:17,816
we're in bed,
and there's a noise downstairs.

952
00:46:17,900 --> 00:46:20,110
My girl looks at me
and goes, "I'm scared."

953
00:46:20,194 --> 00:46:22,738
And I looked at her
and I said, "You should be."

954
00:46:22,821 --> 00:46:24,823
[audience laughing]

955
00:46:27,284 --> 00:46:28,452
"'Cause he sounds big,

956
00:46:28,535 --> 00:46:30,829
and I bet he doesn't want
to have sex with me at all."

957
00:46:30,913 --> 00:46:33,373
[audience laughing]

958
00:46:39,004 --> 00:46:41,298
"Do you feel the support?
There's so much support."

959
00:46:43,967 --> 00:46:45,177
[chuckles]

960
00:46:47,262 --> 00:46:49,598
There's just a lot of obstacles
to relationships.

961
00:46:49,681 --> 00:46:52,434
Like, we can't talk directly about sex.

962
00:46:52,518 --> 00:46:54,561
We can't be like, "Sex? Sex? Sex?"

963
00:46:54,645 --> 00:46:57,815
You just have to get together
and hint at it

964
00:46:58,315 --> 00:46:59,441
for like six hours.

965
00:46:59,525 --> 00:47:02,653
You're just like... [giggles maliciously]

966
00:47:02,736 --> 00:47:05,239
"I just like paying for stuff.
I don't know what it is."

967
00:47:05,322 --> 00:47:07,366
- [giggles]
- [audience laughing]

968
00:47:09,368 --> 00:47:12,246
It's so dumb that we can't talk

969
00:47:12,329 --> 00:47:15,040
about the most important thing
to our species.

970
00:47:15,123 --> 00:47:18,335
If I'm with my buddy and I want to eat,
I go, "Hey, you want to go to lunch?"

971
00:47:18,418 --> 00:47:21,129
I don't take a spoon
out of my pocket and be like...

972
00:47:21,213 --> 00:47:23,215
[audience laughing]

973
00:47:28,220 --> 00:47:29,596
"What's it remind you of?"

974
00:47:29,680 --> 00:47:31,598
[audience laughing]

975
00:47:34,351 --> 00:47:35,644
And then we have sex,

976
00:47:35,727 --> 00:47:39,398
and we understand that your orgasms
are a little nonlinear, right?

977
00:47:39,940 --> 00:47:43,735
But fellas, I've... I've figured
something out about women.

978
00:47:43,819 --> 00:47:48,031
Trying to make a woman have an orgasm
is like ordering an Uber, right?

979
00:47:48,699 --> 00:47:51,159
'Cause you open the app,
and you hit the button,

980
00:47:51,243 --> 00:47:53,662
and you go, "All right,
it's coming in seven minutes."

981
00:47:53,745 --> 00:47:56,373
[audience laughing]

982
00:47:58,333 --> 00:48:01,086
A couple minutes pass,
"Great, it's coming in two minutes."

983
00:48:01,169 --> 00:48:03,130
"I can see the little car. That's good."

984
00:48:04,131 --> 00:48:07,301
Some more time passes, you're like,
"It's coming in five minutes?"

985
00:48:07,384 --> 00:48:09,511
[audience laughing]

986
00:48:10,721 --> 00:48:12,681
"Why is that car
spinning around like that?"

987
00:48:12,764 --> 00:48:15,601
[audience laughing]

988
00:48:15,684 --> 00:48:17,603
"Wait a minute. Ride canceled?"

989
00:48:17,686 --> 00:48:20,272
[audience laughing]

990
00:48:21,481 --> 00:48:23,317
"I hope this doesn't affect my rating."

991
00:48:23,400 --> 00:48:25,402
[audience laughing]

992
00:48:25,944 --> 00:48:26,904
But it will.

993
00:48:27,738 --> 00:48:28,989
[chuckles]

994
00:48:30,866 --> 00:48:33,952
Yeah. I don't want to complain
about women's orgasms.

995
00:48:34,036 --> 00:48:38,206
I mean, women are so empathetic,
it's incredible. It's incredible.

996
00:48:38,290 --> 00:48:41,919
Like, women are so empathetic
that they'll be empathetic

997
00:48:42,002 --> 00:48:43,503
when we're orgasming.

998
00:48:43,587 --> 00:48:47,132
Like, guys'll be having
our, like, "Don't tase me, bro."

999
00:48:47,215 --> 00:48:50,052
[audience laughing]

1000
00:48:50,135 --> 00:48:51,970
"I'm not resisting," like...

1001
00:48:52,846 --> 00:48:56,808
And women are so empathetic
that they'll shake along with us.

1002
00:48:57,726 --> 00:49:01,939
Where they're like, "I don't want you
to be alone during your time of seizure."

1003
00:49:02,022 --> 00:49:03,607
[audience laughing]

1004
00:49:03,690 --> 00:49:05,525
Whereas I'm the total opposite.

1005
00:49:05,609 --> 00:49:07,569
If a woman's on top having an orgasm,

1006
00:49:07,653 --> 00:49:09,947
I'm like, "Neal,
don't you fucking move a muscle."

1007
00:49:10,030 --> 00:49:12,449
[audience laughing]

1008
00:49:12,532 --> 00:49:17,371
Like there's a grizzly bear in the room.
"Don't even make eye contact."

1009
00:49:17,454 --> 00:49:20,332
"Let her take what she needs to take."

1010
00:49:20,415 --> 00:49:22,000
[audience laughing]

1011
00:49:30,342 --> 00:49:31,426
It's my... my turn?

1012
00:49:31,510 --> 00:49:34,429
"Aah..."

1013
00:49:34,513 --> 00:49:36,556
- [audience laughing]
- [chuckles]

1014
00:49:39,226 --> 00:49:41,103
All right, we gotta get out of here.

1015
00:49:41,186 --> 00:49:44,815
Think of the best sex compliment
you've ever gotten.

1016
00:49:46,149 --> 00:49:47,943
I'm pretty sure I can beat it.

1017
00:49:49,111 --> 00:49:52,322
This is the best compliment
I've ever gotten about anything, just FYI.

1018
00:49:52,406 --> 00:49:53,824
A woman said, "Neal,

1019
00:49:54,658 --> 00:49:56,660
you fuck like you're poor."

1020
00:49:56,743 --> 00:50:02,958
[audience laughing and clapping]

1021
00:50:03,041 --> 00:50:06,211
The problem was, after that,
whenever she would text me to come over,

1022
00:50:06,294 --> 00:50:08,714
I'd have to get in, like, a poor mindset.

1023
00:50:09,423 --> 00:50:11,508
So I'd, like, take the bus to her house.

1024
00:50:12,759 --> 00:50:15,137
I'd do scratch-offs the whole way there.

1025
00:50:16,138 --> 00:50:19,224
Calling my friends on Cricket Wireless.
You get it.

1026
00:50:20,350 --> 00:50:22,602
I'd also like to say it's sex,

1027
00:50:22,686 --> 00:50:24,896
so I'm not consistent, right?

1028
00:50:24,980 --> 00:50:27,774
Sometimes I fuck like I'm poor,
and other times,

1029
00:50:27,858 --> 00:50:31,236
I fuck like my grandfather
left me quite a bit of money.

1030
00:50:31,319 --> 00:50:33,739
- [audience laughing]
- [chuckles]

1031
00:50:35,490 --> 00:50:38,910
That's... And I also I get
another sex compliment.

1032
00:50:38,994 --> 00:50:42,581
And ladies, let's turn this
into a teaching opportunity.

1033
00:50:42,664 --> 00:50:45,292
A woman said, "Neal,
you know what's great about you?"

1034
00:50:45,375 --> 00:50:51,548
"When I tell you I'm gonna have an orgasm,
you keep on doing what you were doing."

1035
00:50:51,631 --> 00:50:54,634
[women cheering and applauding]

1036
00:50:54,718 --> 00:50:57,054
A lot of the guys have no idea
why you're applauding.

1037
00:50:57,137 --> 00:50:58,555
[audience laughing]

1038
00:50:58,638 --> 00:51:01,016
Fellas, keep on doing

1039
00:51:01,099 --> 00:51:02,976
what you were doing.

1040
00:51:03,518 --> 00:51:07,147
Same angle, same rhythm, same force.

1041
00:51:07,230 --> 00:51:08,690
[women cheering]

1042
00:51:08,774 --> 00:51:10,484
Keep on doing

1043
00:51:10,567 --> 00:51:12,903
what you were doing.

1044
00:51:12,986 --> 00:51:16,948
Same angle, same rhythm, same force.

1045
00:51:17,032 --> 00:51:18,950
Women will say,
"I'm gonna have an orgasm,"

1046
00:51:19,034 --> 00:51:22,162
and the guy will say, "Now's a good time
for the corkscrew." Dummy!

1047
00:51:22,245 --> 00:51:24,081
[audience laughing]

1048
00:51:24,164 --> 00:51:25,957
Keep on doing

1049
00:51:26,041 --> 00:51:27,918
what you were doing!

1050
00:51:28,001 --> 00:51:31,254
Same angle, same rhythm, same force.

1051
00:51:31,338 --> 00:51:33,006
"Neal, how am I gonna remember that?"

1052
00:51:33,590 --> 00:51:34,591
ARF.

1053
00:51:34,674 --> 00:51:36,593
[audience laughing]

1054
00:51:38,929 --> 00:51:41,056
Do you guys want to fuck poor or not?

1055
00:51:41,139 --> 00:51:43,016
[audience laughing]

1056
00:51:43,934 --> 00:51:46,103
{\an8}'Sup, guys.
Want to learn how to fuck poor?

1057
00:51:46,186 --> 00:51:48,897
{\an8}[audience laughing]

1058
00:51:48,980 --> 00:51:50,982
All right, I gotta go.
Thank you so much, you guys.

1059
00:51:51,066 --> 00:51:53,110
[closing music playing]

1060
00:51:53,193 --> 00:51:55,987
[audience cheering]